After my conversation with my friend on Friday night, I’ve just felt an enormous weight on my shoulders. I’m drowning under a wave of overwhelming thought. I’m being crushed by the weight of inconsequence. I thought I had already conquered this gut-wrenching, soul-crushing, heart-breaking mental madness several years ago. Is it possible to go through a quarter-life crisis a second time? Or, who knows? Perhaps this is my mid-life crisis?
There’s no passion in my life. There’s nothing to be excited about. There’s no motivation. All that exists is an acute sense of my being and how, in the grand scheme of things, inconsequential I am. There’s a feeling of a lack of purpose; a feeling of not feeling utilized. Perhaps it’s best summed up by saying, “Hi, I’m Robbie. I’ve peaked at 27.”
The last time I felt this stagnant, God…the universe…whatever you want to believe in…shook things up for me. I was laid off from my job and two months later I packed up my stuff and moved to a completely new city where I knew no one and no one knew me. I don’t want that this time around. I want to make the most of what I already have. I want to be an extraordinary machine. (Fiona Apple reference, anyone?)
I’ve haphazardly spent the past few months thinking/hoping/wishing a person would help fill this passionless, purposeless void in my life. Not a particular person, mind you. However, I’m starting to feel that’s a misnomer. At least I feel something at this point.
Yesterday, on Facebook, I had my status set to: Robbie thinks it’s a “Pleasantville” kind of day. If you’ve never seen “Pleasantville,” I highly recommend you check it out. Any time I have to put together a list of my all-time favorite movies, it will undoubtedly make the list. If you have already seen it, I recommend you see it again because if you take it a just face value, you’re missing out. The cast (Tobey Maguire, Reese Witherspoon, William H. Macy, Joan Allen & Jeff Daniels) is stellar. Visually, it’s absolutely stunning with its use of creative angles, symbolism and color.
My favorite scene from the film – simply for the visual aspect – is the scene where Bud takes Margaret to Lover’s Lane for the first time. The events that take place at Lover’s Lane seem to be the impetus that initiates the change from black and white to color in the kids. Bud and Margaret have yet to experience their “change,” therefore their existence is still in black and white. As the car makes its way around the corner and approaches the lake at Lover’s Lane, a breeze floats through the black and white world and all these beautiful pink dogwood petals begin to float through the air. Bud smiles as Margaret reaches to turn up the volume on the radio. As she does, the DJ says, “This one goes out to all you kids up at Lover’s Lane,” and you hear Etta James rattle out those first two words – “At Last.”
As I said before, though, if you take the film at face value, you’re missing out on so much more. It’s much more than “an ingenious fantasy,” which is what The New York Times called it when they reviewed the film. Thematically, the film deals with so much more. The film is about consequence, purpose, passion, change, independent thought, progression vs. the status quo. Hell, it’s even about antidisestablishmentarianism. Honestly, I was just looking for an excuse to use that big word but, really, that theme does run throughout the film. I guess, at this point, it’s not hard to figure out why I felt the need to watch the film yesterday.
In an apparent case of art imitating life, after this particular viewing of the film, this scene lingered with me the most:
[Bud is behind the counter of the soda shop writing Mary Sue & Skip’s order]
Bud: Two cheeseburgers and two cherry Cokes.
[Mr. Johnson is on the floor behind the register]
Mr. Johnson: There aren’t any cheeseburgers.
Bud: I thought we talked about this. I thought we said…
[Bud pulls Mr. Johnson into the pantry]
Mr. Johnson: What’s the point, Bud?
Bud: You make hamburgers. That is the point.
Mr. Johnson: No, I know…I know I do. It’s…it’s always the same, you know? Grill the bun, flip the meat, melt the cheese. It never changes. It never gets any better or worse….
Bud: OK, just listen for a second….
Mr. Johnson: Like the other night when I closed by myself? That was different…
Bud: Well, forget about that!
Mr. Johnson: Well, OK….I really liked it, though.
Bud: Come here.
[Bud sits down with Mr. Johnson at the pantry table]
Bud: Look, you can’t always like what you do. Sometimes you just gotta do it because it’s your job. And even if you don’t like it, you just gotta do it anyway.
Mr. Johnson: Why?
Bud: So they can have their hamburgers!
Mr. Johnson: Oh.
Bud: I’m sorry.
Mr. Johnson: You know what I really like?
Bud: What’s that?
Mr. Johnson: Christmas time. See, every year on December 3rd I get to paint the Christmas decorations in the window and every year I get to paint a different thing. Here, I’ll show you.
[Mr. Johnson pulls out a photo album]
Bud: Wow, that’s pretty good.
Mr. Johnson: Thanks, but this morning I was thinking and I realized that I look forward to it all year. And then I thought, “Gee, that seems awful silly. It seems like an awfully long time to be waiting for just one moment.” Don’t you think?
[Bud stares at the photo album]
Mr. Johnson: Well, don’t you?
Bud: I think that you should try not to think about that anymore.
Mr. Johnson: OK. I’ll try that, then.
I’m feeling incredibly like Mr. Johnson right now except I’ve yet to find anything to look forward to.
Naturally, I have to tie music into this somehow as well. For the film, Fiona Apple recorded a beautiful version of “Across The Universe,” which was originally a song by The Beatles. It’s perfectly apropos because the lyrical content and meaning of the song works on multiple levels in the film. It works to support the work of those fighting the “change” in Pleasantville. Things are to remain pleasant and nothing will change that world. It perfectly captures the renewed spirit of life in those that become colorized as well. They don’t want to go back to the way things were. They like this new existence and nothing will change their world.
It works for me as well as it seems that nothing – internally or externally – is going to change my world for the time being.
P.S. You can all stop worrying. After getting these words on paper about 13 hours ago, I feel fine today ;-)
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